


The World Breaks Everyone

by Telesilla



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Amnesia, M/M, SGA Reverse Big Bang Challenge 2013, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-01
Updated: 2013-07-01
Packaged: 2017-12-16 18:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/865135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telesilla/pseuds/Telesilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rodney wakes up in the Infirmary after a mission gone awry, he's lost thirteen years worth of memories. The more he learns about his life on Atlantis, however, the less sure he is about wanting to get those memories back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The World Breaks Everyone

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Strong at the Broken Places](https://archiveofourown.org/works/866955) by [Green](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Green/pseuds/Green). 



_[Strong At the Broken Places by Green](http://archiveofourown.org/works/866955)_

* * *

 _Accident,_ is Rodney's first thought. _I've been in an accident._

He shakes his head, trying to remember where he'd been going, but all he gets is a surge of pain and nausea. Even more frightening is the blank spot in his mind; he can't remember driving anywhere. In fact, he can't remember what he'd been doing for...well, quite a while.

Sitting up carefully, Rodney keeps his eyes closed until the nausea dies down a little. He expects to see a hospital's plain functional walls or maybe the inside of an ambulance, but instead...instead, he's in the middle of a fucking _forest_. That can't be right--he lives in Boston, for God's sake--but blinking several times doesn't change anything. This is either a dream, a hallucination or he really is out in the woods. The genuine pain he's in discounts the dream theory, but Rodney supposes he could be hallucinating after a serious accident. Everything looks all too real, but he's never hallucinated before so for all he knows, maybe hallucinations can be realistic .

Hallucination or not, Rodney figures he won't really know anything until he takes stock of his injuries. He's got what feels like the worst headache in the history of headaches and can feel his nose throbbing in time with his heartbeat. There are bright points of pain all over his chest and upper arms; looking down, he sees what looks like burn marks scattered across his torso and arms. Burn marks? From an accident? And wait, he isn't wearing a shirt? He still doesn't remember anything, but surely he wouldn't go out without a shirt. And he was going out, he remembers that now although he can't remember where he was going.

At least he has pants on, he thinks as he carefully reaches down to check his right knee, which is throbbing in time with his nose. In addition to hurting like a sonvabitch, it feels weird and swollen. He tries to flex it, but the moment he does, the pain ramps up enough that he lets out a loud groan.

Rodney barely manages to turn his head before he's throwing up all over the forest floor. The motion makes everything hurt even more and for a moment, he's sure he's going to pass out. He doesn't, even when he throws up a second time, but it's a close call. Turning onto his left side, he wishes he could just curl up and make the pain go away. Sadly, unless he really is hallucinating, that's not going to happen; the best he can do is try to find a comfortable position.

As he squirms a little, one of Rodney's feet brushes against his other ankle. The pain that flares in the sole of his foot is agonizing. He has time enough to scream and then everything starts to go dark. Maybe, he hopes dully as he drifts into unconsciousness, he'll wake up in a hospital bed with an IV full of painkillers stuck in his arm.

***

The first thing Rodney's aware of when he wakes up is an absence of pain and he knows, without even looking, that there is, in fact, an IV in his arm. He's got that floaty, slightly confused feeling that comes with heavy medication and he finds himself hoping that the whole waking up in the forest hallucination was drug induced. Pain meds have always made him nauseous, so he just lies there for a moment before opening his eyes. When he does, he can't help frowning a little--there's something just a little off about the ceiling. Or maybe he's more dopey than he thought.

"Rodney?"

Rodney turns his head to see a concerned looking young blonde in a strange jacket.

"It's Doctor McKay," Rodney says. "Are you a nurse?"

Her eyes widen a little and she glances at across his bed. There's a man there; he's dressed in all black and has ridiculous looking hair. _I seem to have woken up in the hospital of the extremely attractive people._

"How you doing, buddy?" the guys asks. He sounds just like the nurse did, like he knows Rodney. It's all very annoying; Rodney didn't work his ass off for two PhDs just to have people call him "buddy."

"Do you call all your patients 'buddy?'" Rodney frowns up at the man. "And what is this, casual Friday at the hospital?"

"Very funny, McKay," the guy says, but he sounds a little unsure. 

"It could just be the drugs; we've got him on some pretty strong stuff." The woman looks down at him. "Rodney, do you know where you are?"

"A hospital, hopefully." Something occurs to him and he adds, "are you two from the Agency? Because I said...."

"The Agency? Okay, this is getting kinda weird."

"Rodney," the woman says. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"I was...I was...there was a meeting." He breathes out in relief. "Right. I was getting ready to go to a meeting. Did I get hit by a car or something?"

"Who were you meeting?"

Rodney opens his mouth to reply and then pauses. "Who _are_ you people? Why isn't there a doctor here?" 

"You don't recognize either of us?" the guy asks.

"No," Rodney replies. "I don't. I want to see a doctor. Right now."

"One more question." It's the woman again. "What's the date?"

"March...um...March 8th." She gives him an expectant look and he frowns. "What, you want the year too? It's '98."

"All right, then," the woman says. "I'm Doctor Jennifer Keller."

Rodney's about to come back with a sarcastic reply because seriously, she looks like she's maybe fifteen, but then he sees the look on her face. He's seen it before--the carefully blank, neutral expression doctors get when they're about to impart some bad news.

"And who the hell are you?" Rodney says, turning to look up at the guy with the hair.

"Colonel John Sheppard," the guy replies.

He looks concerned and maybe a little hurt, but there's a hard edge to it. He's angry, Rodney realizes, but somehow Rodney doesn't think the guy--Colonel Sheppard--is mad at him.

"What the hell happened to me?" Rodney asks. He's getting seriously freaked out and he can hear the panic in his voice. "Why is the military involved?"

"You were...injured," Keller says. "Among your other injuries, you suffered a concussion, which seems to have left you with memory loss." Before Rodney can say anything, she holds up a hand. "Temporary memory loss is common with concussions; your memory should return soon."

"Should?" Rodney glares at her. "Should isn't good enough."

Surprisingly enough she doesn't seem phased at all; usually his glare puts people on the defensive.

"You don't want me to lie to you, Rodney."

She's right and that, and her almost fond tone of familiarity, is really annoying. "Stop it," he snaps. "You may be pretending to know me, but I have no idea who you are and I don't appreciate you taking advantage of that." His head and knee are starting to hurt and he's fine with using that as an excuse. "My head's killing me, so if you don't have any doctor things do, give me some more meds and let me sleep."

"As a matter of fact, I do have doctor things to do; you're stable enough for surgery. You can sleep through that."

"Wait, what? Surgery?"

"They fucked up your knee pretty good," Sheppard says tightly.

"Colonel," Keller begins.

"They? This wasn't an accident?" Even as he asks, Rodney remembers the weird burn marks and way the bottom of his foot hurt so much. "Will you people tell me what the _fuck_ happened to me?"

"It's better if your memories return on their own," Keller says.

"That's not good enough! If you won't tell me what's going on, I sure as hell won't let you get me in an operating room. In fact, get me a phone; I want to talk to my lawyer."

"You can't," Sheppard says. He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I know this sounds sinister, but it's just not possible."

"Then I refuse to sign off on any surgery."

"You can't do that either," Keller says. "Given your memory loss, I can declare you mentally incomeptent and ask your proxy to sign for you."

"My proxy? I don't have that kind of paperwork on file."

"You do here," Sheppard says. "And I'll authorize your surgery if I have to."

Rodney's head is killing him now, but he still whips it around to stare at Sheppard. "You? You're my proxy? Why?"

"You asked me." Sheppard turns and walks away. "Do what you need to do, Doc," he says over his shoulder.

"Rodney," Keller says gently. "You need to understand. The sooner I work on your knee, the more likely it is that you'll make a full recovery and be able to walk normally."

"Well fine," Rodney says. He's trying for angry, but he's pretty sure his fear is showing. "It's not like I can stop you."

"If it helps, you've told me you trust me." She looks weirdly sad. "It meant something to me."

"I don't know you, so it doesn't mean a damn thing to me." He turns his head away from her and closes his eyes.

 

* * *

 

When Rodney next opens his eyes, he's in pretty much the same situation he was earlier; stoned and confused. The only difference is that he's in a small private room and his leg is a something that looks like a cross between a cast and a brace. He tries to think, tries to remember something, anything, but all that comes to him is the image of himself in a mirror, checking his tie. Maybe he took that meeting, he thinks. He's obviously in the hands of the US Military and he can't help wondering what they want from him. The Agency knows he won't do weapons research--it's why he's working in the private sector now--but maybe they finally decided to not take no for an answer.

_Who the hell is this General Hammond, anyway? The letterhead said Air Force, but that colonel isn't in blue._

He could be, he realizes, in serious trouble here.

"Dr. McKay?"

He turns his head and sees a petite, brown-skinned woman sitting in a chair next to his bed. She's wearing the same kind of jacket the doctor wore, only hers has red panels instead of yellow. Rodney's never seen a uniform like this, but who knows, maybe creepy, secret military branches do their own fashion thing.

"Am I supposed to know who you are?"

"If your memory has not returned, then no, you do not know me." Her tone is kind and her gaze friendly; Rodney wonders if she's a shrink.

"But you're going to tell me that you know me."

"Yes, I know you," she says. "I understand, however, that you have no reason to trust me."

"Well at least that's out in the open. What do you people want from me?"

"Right now, I just hope you will soon feel better." She pauses. "My name is Teyla Emmagan."

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"How are you feeling?"

"Medicated," he says with a frown.

"I know you do not like the feeling," Teyla says matter of factly. "Hopefully your pain levels will be manageable soon."

She's right, of course. It's not like Rodney likes pain, far from it. But he hates the way pain medication numbs his critical thinking. "Are you a doctor or a shrink?"

"Neither. I am...you can consider me a diplomat."

"One more reason to not believe anything you say." He sighed. "You're not going to tell me what you want, but I'm guessing your government gave up on me ever doing weapons research voluntarily. Or am I just being paranoid?"

"You are certainly being sarcastic." Her voice is dry and Rodney can't help smiling a little, which is probably what she intended.

"Look, if you aren't going to tell me anything, why are you here?"

"I am your friend; I often sit with you when you are in the infirmary."

"You're my friend...right," Rodney says automatically. "Wait, you're trying to tell me that I end up here often? What the hell...no, I know, you won't tell me anything."

"Our jobs can be dangerous. You have sat in this chair keeping me company when I have been injured."

"I'm supposed to believe that I work with you in some kind of dangerous job? You'll need to do better than that. I'm a scientist, for God's sake. My idea of danger is trying to beat a Green Line train across Comm Ave."

The look she gives him--a polite smile--gives him the impression that she has no idea what he's talking about. "Public transit? In Boston? Whatever. I don't have a dangerous job. At least I didn't until you people kidnapped me for whatever you think you can get from me."

The more he thinks about it, the more frightened he is. He thinks of the pain he felt before, when he thought he was in that forest. They're giving him pain medication now, but drugs can always be withheld. _Or they could get me hooked on them. Or they could just hurt me again._

Not wanting this woman, with her perceptive gaze, to know what he's feeling, Rodney turns his head and stares at the wall. The chance that this is some incredibly elaborate dream is pretty much nonexistent, but it sure as hell would be nice to wake up perfectly safe in his perfectly comfortable bed. He's been afraid before in his life, but not like this. Never like this.

"Would you like to be alone?"

"What I'd like," he snaps, taking refuge in anger. "What I'd like are answers. If you're not going to give them to me, then yes. Get out."

Once she's gone, Rodney looks up at the ceiling. They're not asking him for anything--well, not yet at least--and they act like they know him, which is a weird way of getting past his defenses. This whole gaslighting "I am your friend" thing doesn't seem like it would be very effective as a means of coercion, but then again, what does Rodney know about coercion at this level? He's pretty sure they won't try to hook him on drugs, or at least not these drugs. He won't be very useful if he's stoned on painkillers all the time. Then again, he won't be very useful if he's in pain either. Maybe they're banking on the threat of pain keeping him in line.

Frowning, he stares at his leg. The colonel said "they fucked up your knee pretty good." It could have been a veiled threat, but he'd been angry about it. Maybe "they" aren't these people. Could they be right? Could it just be a case of amnesia resulting from...what kind of injuries? That Emmagan woman had mentioned dangerous jobs, but surely Rodney would never have signed up for anything dangerous. In spite of what he'd said to her, he didn't even try to beat the Green Line; he'd seen too many stories in the paper about yet another stupid person, usually a student, getting run over because they couldn't wait for the train to pass by.

"Safety is my middle name," he mutters.

* * *

The next few days are dreamlike and confused. He sleeps a lot, and when Keller tells him that it's more part of the healing process than the meds, she acts like it's a reminder that's she's given him more than once. He keeps getting that. Even the nurses and orderlies deal with his sulks and rudeness and demands like they've heard them before and he gets the weird feeling that they have a good handle on the care and feeding of one Rodney McKay, PhD PhD.

Or they're all bullshitting him.

Emmagan and Sheppard show up every so often, but they don't tell him anything new. He still doesn't recognize them or anyone else and no one asks anything of him other than what he wants for lunch or dinner or breakfast. Even the food is weird, some of it is very familiar and some of it, not so much. It's much more flavorful than hospital food usually is, which is kind of a disappointment; Rodney's fond of the bland sameness of hospital food and even the meatloaf here tastes strange. Like the room itself, like Keller and Sheppard and Emmagan, it's all a little off.

Finally, on a day when he doesn't feel quite so out of it, Keller and Sheppard come into his room.

"I think it's time to try to jog your memory a little," Keller says. "The other effects of the concussion are wearing off and I'm a little concerned that there hasn't been any change in your memory loss."

Rodney's tired of asking what they want from him, so settles for glaring at her silently.

"You don't remember anyone you've seen so far, so I'm going to go back a little. Does the name Dr. Elizabeth Weir mean anything to you?"

Rodney's not sure if he should cooperate or not, but it doesn't really matter because the name means nothing to him. It means something to both Sheppard and Keller; they exchange looks that Rodney can't figure out.

"No."

"Dr. Carson Beckett?"

"No."

"Lieutenant Laura Cadman?"

"No."

"Dr. Peter Grodin?"

"No."

"Dr. Brendan Gall?"

When Rodney says no, Sheppard sighs.

"Dr. Radek Zelenka?"

"No...oh wait." Rodney frowns and then snaps his fingers. "He's that weird Czech guy with the hair...works out of Bern most of the time. I saw him at a conference at Cambridge. He delivered a paper that had its moments, but most of it was wrong."

"When was the conference?" Keller asks.

"Last year," Rodney says.

"1997, right?"

"Yeah."

"You said the last thing you remember was getting ready for a meeting," Sheppard says. "Who were you meeting?"

Rodney hesitates, not sure if he should answer. With one exception, they've asked him about people he assumes are scientists. Before he can make up his mind, Sheppard asks, "was it General George Hammond?"

"Since you know...." Rodney shrugs. "Yeah. He's come up to Boston from DC to meet with me; he's staying downtown. I'm sure you can ask him to confirm that."

"No, we can't." Sheppard looks at Keller, who nods. "General Hammond died three years ago."

"What!? Then who am I supposed to be meeting?"

"One more and then we'll answer some of yours," Keller says.

"Stargate," Sheppard says, his voice oddly intense. "Does the word mean anything to you?"

"No...oh wait...give me a minute." There's something in the back of his head and Rodney's aware of Keller and Sheppard watching him eagerly. "Oh right! It's a sci fi novel. I can't remember who wrote it, but I read it back when I was in college. I don't remember much, just that the science wasn't very good."

"A sci fi novel?" Sheppard says. "Really?"

"Yeah, something about some starfolk, I think? They were facing imminent destruction...it was that sort of sociological sci fi that you first started seeing in the late 70s."

"With that title? I wonder if someone followed up with the author," Keller says. 

"Why? What the hell does a book I read and mostly forget ten years ago have anything to do with my situation." Rodney gives her a pointed look. "You promised me answers."

"Yeah, she did." Sheppard spreads his hands. "So ask."

"What am I doing here?"

"You live here. Well, not in the Infirmary, obviously, but you live on this base."

"Like hell I do."

"You asked."

"Oh I see," Rodney snaps. "You said answers, you didn't say they'd be true. I live in fucking Boston."

"You lived in Boston in 1998," Keller says. "During that year, you took a meeting with General Hammond of the SGC. He offered you a job, which you accepted."

"The SGC?"

"Stargate Command." Sheppard shakes his head, an almost rueful expression on his face. "This is going to sound crazy. At least it did to me when General O'Neill explained it to me."

"This whole thing is crazy!"

"Yeah," Sheppard says, "it really is. Some days more than others." He takes a deep breath. "Can I just lay it all out, Doc?"

Keller looks from Rodney to Sheppard and then back again. "All right, Colonel, go ahead."

"Okay. First off, it's not 1998."

Rodney blinked a little, but he'd kind of been expecting that. He's still not sure he believes them but he might as well go along with it for now. "Sure it isn't." Sheppard just looks at him. "Fine. How many years have I lost?"

"Thirteen."

"What!? It's 2011?"

"Yes."

"Oh this is ridiculous! What the hell do you people really want from me? Why are you gaslighting me like this?"

"We want you to get your memory back." Sheppard sounds exasperated. "That's all. You work here; you voluntarily took the job. We don't have to force you to do research. If anything, we have to force you to take breaks." Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath and lets it out. 

Before Rodney can ask anything else, Keller leans forward. "I want you to calm down a little, Rodney."

"Me? Sounds like he's the one who needs to calm down."

"This hasn't been easy on your friends," she says. Rodney stares at Sheppard, trying to imagine him as a friend. He can't do it; Sheppard's got five-- maybe seven--years on Rodney and anyway, most of Rodney's friends aren't that good looking. He turns his attention back to Keller.

"I can show you something that will help convince you, but...it might be a bit of a shock."

"I'm not good at calming down and I don't like shocks, but I like not knowing what's going on even less."

"I know." She picks something up off the table next to Rodney's bed and hands it to him.

It's a simple hand mirror and Rodney looks at the back of it for a long minute. "thirteen years," he says, looking at Sheppard for some reason.

"Yeah."

He expected...well, Rodney doesn't know what he'd expected, but when Keller had handed him the mirror, he'd begun to believe that maybe they were telling the truth. Now, as he stares at his reflection, he can't help blurting out his first thought. "Jesus, I look like Great Uncle Meredith."

The hairline is the worst of it, even though he'd known pretty early on that he'd start losing hair eventually. He'd thought it would make him look distinguished and professorial, but the man in the mirror looks...hard somehow. Maybe it's the slant of his mouth--much more pronounced--or maybe it's just the yellow and purple remains of bruises around both eyes and the tape on his nose, but whatever it is, he already doesn't like this person he's apparently become.

"So," he says, letting the mirror fall into his lap. "Who are the 'they' who broke my nose, fucked up my knee and my chest and my feet?"

Sheppard looks surprised. "That's your first question?"

"Why yes, you moron" Rodney says with a glare. "Since apparently that woman...Ms. Emmagan, was it? Apparently she was right when she said the job was dangerous. What the hell am I doing here? Last I remember, I wasn't with the Agency anymore and even when I was, I wasn't a field agent. I don't _do_ dangerous!"

"We're not with the CIA and neither are you," Sheppard says.

"Somehow that isn't as comforting as it should be. But if that's true, what the hell happened to me?" He's not sure if he still wants to know who worked him over or if he's asking for the bigger picture. And maybe, way in the back of his head, some small part of him is still hoping this is an epic, very fucked up dream.

"You want to take this, Doc?" Sheppard asks.

Keller mouth tightens a little. "Not really. Just...I'll keep an eye on his monitor and I'll break it up if I think you're upsetting him too much."

Rodney watches her leave the room and then turns to Sheppard. "What was that all about?"

"It's a long story," Sheppard says. He leaves the section of wall he's been leaning against and settles down in Keller's chair, turning it backwards so he can straddle it. "The whole thing is a long story. I don't even know where to begin."

"Start at the beginning and go on...."

"...'til you come to the end: then stop. Right."

Rodney blinks at him. "You know, that's almost as convincing as the mirror. How long have we known each other?"

"A little over six years."

"What about the years before that?"

"You were with Stargate Command. You started in '97 and you're still part of the overall Stargate Program, but we're not with Command."

"You keep saying Stargate."

"Yeah. God, you're going to think I'm lying to you again." Sheppard pinches his nose. "A stargate is a...basically it's an alien transportation system. A stargate at Point A will form one end of a stable wormhole and the other end will be formed at the stargate at Point B. We didn't build them, a race of--well, aliens, sort of--did, but we use them to travel from planet to planet."

Rodney just stares at him. "It's not that I think you're lying to me, although you clearly are." he finally says. "It's that I think you're utterly crazy and also really really _stupid_ if you think I'm going to believe that. Even if you could form a stable wormhole between one point to another--which you can't!--you wouldn't be able to just _walk_ through it. The gravitational forces would...well they'd tear a whole planet apart, let alone a person.

And anyway, why am I even considering what you're saying? It can't be done and I'm one of maybe a half dozen people who know why."

"Actually, you're one of maybe a half dozen people who can tell us why it does work." When Rodney continues to glower at him, Sheppard just shakes his head. "Seriously, you're an expert on the thing."

"Get out."

Sheppard blinks at him, obviously confused.

"I mean it. I don't know who you really are or what you really want, but I have no interest in talking to someone who thinks I'll believe some kind of bullshit about aliens." Sheppard remains in his seat and Rodney gestures at the door. "What part of 'get out' don't you understand?"

Sheppard just looks at him and Rodney suddenly get the feeling he knows what's going on in Rodney's head. Because really, what if Sheppard _is_ telling him the truth? What if....

No. These people are jerking him around for some mysterious reason and Rodney's not going to listen to any more of it.

Instead of leaving, Sheppard touches the ear-piece he wears. "Doc," he says, "would it be possible to take Rodney to the gate room?" He pauses and then says, "yeah I know, but, surprisingly enough, he thinks I'm a crazy liar. Go figure. Okay, thanks."

Turning back to Rodney, he says, "Not that I blame you. If I hadn't interacted with some of the Ancient technology before I heard about the gates, I'd have called a superior officer a liar to his face." He sighs. "I was just hoping that telling you about the stargate would jog your memory. Just about every time we get drunk, you go on and on about how beautiful the physics are."

"We get drunk together?" That has to be another lie, because if Rodney were to get drunk with someone this hot, he'd hit on him. It's one of the reasons he doesn't drink.

"Yeah," Sheppard says, his voice suddenly serious. "Sometimes it's...necessary, you know?"

"No," Rodney says shortly. "I don't know. You may be one of those morons who comes up with reasons to destroy brain cells, but I'm not."

Before Sheppard can answer, Keller comes in with a couple of strong looking guys and a gurney.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" she asks Sheppard. "I don't want to move him around too much yet."

"Doc, what was the first thing that happened once you signed the initial NDA at the Mountain?"

"Point taken." She turns to Rodney. "I think the Colonel is right; you do need to see this before you'll believe anything we tell you. Getting you on the gurney won't be easy, but I don't want to give you anything that will cloud your mind."

"Fine, whatever, go ahead." Rodney shrugs and then, feeling no reason to hide his latest theory, he says, "seeing as I'm actually in an insane asylum somewhere."

"There are days...." Sheppard mutters.

Keller was right about getting him into the gurney. His knee is immobilized well enough that moving doesn't jar it too much, but the soles of his feet are still amazingly painful. "Ow, fuck! Watch what you're doing!"

"Sorry, Doc," one of the orderlies says. And there it is again, that little eyeroll. Rodney's seen it before from TAs and administrators and secretaries and, back in the day, from his handlers....

_Back in the day. Way way back in the day. Fuck._

"What the hell happened to my feet anyway," he asks once he's on the gurney. He frowns, thinking of waking up in the middle of the forest. "Did I hurt them running away from something or someone?"

"Not exactly," Sheppard says shortly. The anger is back and Rodney can't quite figure it out. His own social skills are horrible, but he's still pretty sure Sheppard's not mad at him.

As they shift the gurney so he can sit up a little, he sneaks a peek at Sheppard, taking in the narrowed eyes and tightened mouth. Just as well Sheppard's not mad at him; the guy might sound like a laid back Californian dude, but he's weirdly intense. Rodney can't really imagine being friends with someone like that, but then he remembers his own face.... Maybe the years he can't remember turned him into someone who would have a friend like that.

He closes his eyes and leans back as they wheel him into a long corridor. Or maybe he's in a straight jacket somewhere imagining all this through a haze of psych meds. _Dad always said I'd go crazy someday._

The halls they wheel him through look nothing like any asylum he's ever seen on TV or in movies. They're paneled in what looks like copper and while Rodney's hardly into design, he's finding it hard to believe that he's in some government building. It's like the uniforms--nothing looks right, even if you take thirteen years of changes into account.

That sense of wrongness increases when he's wheeled into a big area that looks like something from the set of a science fiction movie. There are consoles and screens and more people in those strange uniforms. It's all a little overwhelming, particularly because people are looking at him like everyone's looked at him since he woke up--like they know him. Rodney grits his teeth but that just makes his head feel worse.

"I'm glad to see you're feeling a little better, Dr. McKay."

Rodney looks and okay, weird uniform or not this guy looks familiar; Rodney would know a bureaucrat anywhere. "Better," he says to the guy, "is relative. Are you the accountant or lawyer?"

"Richard Woolsey," the guy says. "Lawyer and also, your boss," he adds.

Rodney can help glancing over at Sheppard; he'd just assumed the boss would be a military man.

"I'm the military commander," Sheppard said, interpreting Rodney's glance with an ease the Rodney finds annoying. Damnit, how's he supposed to deal with people who know him better than he knows them?"

"What the hell kind of base is this?"

"Exploratory," Sheppard. He turned to someone sitting at a console, "Speaking of exploring, is Ronon ready to bring the new guys back from the Alpha site?"

"Yes, sir."

"Okay, can we get McKay's gurney somewhere where he can see the gate?"

The moment Rodney can see the big open space below the balcony his gurney's on, he catches his breath a little. The large, gray ring that has to be the stargate. Like, everything else Rodney's seen, doesn't look like any technology he's seen and he's been on the cutting edge of technology for a long time. Maybe, just maybe, they're telling him the truth.

Or maybe he's crazy.

All of a sudden, the stargate lights up and makes a series of weird noises that sound like mechanical whines. Each of the V shaped things around the edge light up in succession; it looks like a science fiction combination lock and Rodney finds himself wondering how the thing works.

Rodney's not sure what he was expecting when lights and noise stopped, but the swift rush of water that billows out from the ring isn't it. It's impossible, of course, water just doesn't act like that; it simply can't. Just as fast as it rushed out, the water--or whatever it is--rushes back toward the ring, where it just fills the ring.

All of this is impossible and Rodney tries to sit up to get a better look. He's forgotten about his leg and the resulting pain is enough to make him groan. His head's still pounding too, but he ignores both as he stares at the ring. How the hell does it do that? Sheppard said something about stable wormholes, which is ridiculous, of course, but is it's true.... Rodney needs to know.

"Receiving Specialist Dex' IDC."

"Lower the shield," Sheppard says, like it's nothing, like it isn't something straight out of Star Trek.

There's a faintly iridescent flare and a moment later....

People walk out of the water. Rodney blinks, but it changes nothing, people are still appearing in a ring of what looks like water and walking out of it.

Rodney looks at Sheppard who shrugs and gives him an odd little smile. "Told you so."

"What are you, six?"

Sheppard shakes his head and turns away to greet one of the people who came through the gate. Of all the people Rodney's seen here, he looks the most out of place; with his dreads and leather he belongs more in a coffeehouse playing his guitar on open mic night. After exchanging a few words with Sheppard the big guy glances over at Rodney.

"You look better, McKay," he says. "But not much."

"Well thanks for that." Mentally dismissing the guy, Rodney turns back to Sheppard. "And I know how that thing works?"

"You and a handful of other people."

"I want to talk to some of them." Rodney looks at Keller. "My head is killing me. Give me something for it so I can get a conference call going."

"No," she says.

"What do you mean no?"

"I mean no; you won't be meeting with anyone. We're talking you back to the infirmary where I'll you something for the pain, and you'll sleep."

"You can't do that...." Rodney trailed off. She could do that; he didn't have any choice here. As the orderlies turned the gurney around, Rodney wondered how much he'd given up to be on this project. Behind, he heard a whoosh that had to be the gate shutting down. To understand something like the gate? _I'd sign anything they asked me to. And hell, I probably did._

He's still turning that thought over in his head when he slips into unconsciousness on a wave of medication.

* * *

Waking up hurts and for a moment, Rodney doesn't know where he is and why he's hurting. As it all comes back to him--this weird base and the stargate thing--he realizes something. He knows why he hurts but he still doesn't know how he got those injuries. If he is going to believe these people--and if he applies Occam's Razor, he has to--they're not his enemies. In fact, he apparently has friends here. If that's true, then it's time for them to answer some questions.

When he finally opens his eyes and looks around, the big man with the dreads is sitting across the room. There's been someone there every time he's woken up and none of them are part of the medical staff. The idea that he's somehow friends with this guy who looks like Conan the Barbarian is kind of ridiculous, but whatever.

"Hey," the guy says. He stands up--and wow, is he big and also? kind of hot--and hands Rodney a glass of water.

"Thanks." The water is nice and cold; it helps clear Rodney's mind a little. "Who are you again? And why are you here?"

"Ronon Dex. I'm here because that's what we do."

"We? You and me?"

"You and me and Teyla and Sheppard. We're team." Rodney must look as confused as he feels; Dex frowns a little. "No one's told you about the team?

"No one's told me much of anything. What team are you talking about."

"The gate team. We go through the gate on missions, mostly diplomatic stuff or to trade."

"Missions? Like what, Star Trek missions? What the hell did I get myself into?"

"You say that a lot."

"That doesn't keep it from being a valid question." Rodney takes another sip of his water. "What happened to me?"

The look on Dex's face is a little like the one Rodney's seen on Sheppard, like Dex is angry with someone else. "You got picked up by some rebels."

Rodney thinks of the weird burn marks on his chest. "Wait, what?! I was _tortured_?"

"Yeah," Dex says, like it's no big deal.

"I just...I can't...." Rodney trails off, not sure what to say. Then, because Dex seems to be willing to answer his questions, he takes a deep breath and asks, "what did they do to me?"

"Broke your nose, smashed up your knee, burned your chest up some and beat the hell out of your feet." Dex's voice is still matter of fact and for a moment all Rodney can do is stare at him. "We're pretty sure they didn't feed you much either."

"Let me get this straight," he finally says, his voice shaky. "I'm on some kind of team that goes on missions that involve me getting captured and fucking tortured by rebels?" He pauses, trying to calm down. It doesn't work. "What rebels...is this...we're going to other planets, aren't we?"

"Yeah." Dex gives him a strange look. "No one told you?"

"Like I said, no one tells me anything!"

"You're already on another planet. This isn't Earth."

The real surprise is that Rodney isn't surprised. Well, he is, but not nearly as much as he should be. Maybe it's just shock or something, he thinks. He's about to ask Dex where they are, when the door to his room opens.

It's Sheppard and he looks at Rodney and then at Dex. "What did you say to him?"

And really, it's too much that there's this person who knows Rodney's facial expressions that well. "He told me that we're not on Earth. Oh and also that I got fucking tortured."

"Yeah and when we get our hands on those guys...."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"It can," Dex says. "Sometimes it's all you have."

"Thank you very much," Rodney snaps. "Because you know how I feel."

Dex looked at him for a long moment and then turned and left without saying anything.

"Jesus," Sheppard mutters.

"What?"

"He lost his entire planet," Sheppard says shortly.

And sure, Rodney feels like a bit of an asshole, but still. "How the hell was I supposed to know that?"

Sheppard sighs and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You weren't. It's just...I forget that you've managed to become marginally more tactful since we met."

"I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here and you want me to be tactful?"

"I want," Sheppard begins, his voice rising.

Before he can say anything else, the door opens and Keller comes in.

"Colonel?" she says.

"Sorry, this is just...." Sheppard shrugs and leaves.

"What was that all about?" Keller asks as she checks the monitors next to Rodney's bed.

"Apparently I'm a jerk, which comes as no surprise to me."

"Or anyone else," she says. 

"Yeah well, is anyone thinking about how this affects _me?_ I don't know where the fuck I am or why I'm doing things that get me tortured. And Sheppard was talking about entire planets getting wiped out and...." Rodney can feel his head start to pound again and one of the monitors is beeping insistently. He takes a deep breath and then another, trying to calm himself down, but it doesn't work any better than it did a few minutes ago.

"It's a lot to take in." Keller's voice is soft and sympathetic, but all that does is annoy Rodney more.

"Don't patronize me." He looks around the blank room and that's it, he's had enough.

"I want to go home."

"You," she begins and then stops abruptly.

"As soon as possible," he says and turns away from her to stare at the wall. "Also, my head hurts again and my feet are killing me." He's not exaggerating; it feels like his feet are throbbing in time with his head. It's bad enough to make him nauseous and for a moment, he's afraid he's going to embarrass himself and throw up.

Keller doesn't say anything but she must do something to his IV because a moment later, he's going under again.

* * *

It's Sheppard in the chair this time; he's typing rapidly on one of the biggest, thinnest laptops Rodney's ever seen. He doesn't get up, but Rodney's water is within reach so he just sips it and watches Sheppard.

"Keller said you want to go home."

"Yes."

"You've already had two chances to stay back on Earth and still be part of the SGC."

"Is that all I get?"

Sheppard finally looks up. "No. I'm just saying that, when you have your memory, you want to be here."

"Numerous people have predicted that I'd go crazy someday. Guess they're right."

"Was Jeannie one of them?"

Hearing her name like is salt on very new wounds. "Don't fucking talk to me about Jeannie," he says almost automatically.

"A lot's happened in thirteen years."

"Wow, really? I'd guess that maybe what...thirteen years worth of stuff has happened."

With a faint snort, Sheppard goes back to his laptop.

"Why are you here? And don't say 'because it's what we do.' I'm not your problem."

"Yeah, actually, you are. I'm your team leader."

"Really?" Rodney gestures at his knee. "You're doing a crappy job."

His words hang in the silence and once more, Rodney thinks of his last conversation with Jeannie. Fuck it, he was right then and he's right now.

After a moment, during which Sheppard keeps his eyes on his screen, he says, "are you sure you don't have your memory back? Or was that just a lucky shot?"

"Just send me home and I'll be out of your hair."

"Last time we were on Earth, you said it didn't feel like home any more." 

"That was him." When Sheppard looks at him, Rodney shrugs a little. "The older me. I'm not him."

"Then why not wait to make any decisions until you are him again?"

"Has it occurred to anyone that I might never get my memory back? That maybe this," he gestures at his knee. "Maybe it was all too much?"

"You mean maybe you've decided to check out? Yeah, that's occurred to us."

"You don't sound convinced."

"I'm not." Sheppard looks down at his laptop. "It's not like you."

"I am so _tired_ of people thinking they know me."

"Yeah, I'd hate it too. Sorry."

They sit in silence for a while. Sheppard fusses with his laptop, but Rodney can't tell if he's actually doing anything productive or just playing Minesweeper.

"Are we really...." Rodney sighs. "We're friends?"

"Yeah."

"I...I'm having a hard time believing that."

"Right now? Me too."

That startles a little bit of a laugh out of Rodney. "Are you an emotional masochist or something? Because my friends...." It's suddenly not funny, and Rodney turns to stare at the wall. He doesn't have friends. Acquaintances yes, but not friends. Friends require effort and Rodney doesn't have time to make the effort.

He keeps expected Sheppard to ask if he's okay or something, but after a moment, he hears the soft tap of keys. It's oddly soothing.

"So," Rodney finally says. "Who do I talk to about the stargate?"

"Zelenka. He's putting together some stuff for you to read, but it'll take time because he's having to do your job."

"What, going to other planets and getting beat up?"

"No, running the science department."

"I run a department?"

"Yeah. Woolsey's the over all boss and then it's me on the military side and you on the science side. Medical is a separate department and we have some civilian support staff, but if you look at an org chart, we're the second tier."

"So this is a civilian project?"

"Kinda." Sheppard sighs and looks at Rodney. "You're really not going to like this.'

"I don't like any of this."

"When we came here six years ago, we wandered into...well, a war zone."

"I'd kind of inferred that, what with the getting tortured and all."

"No, that's different. That's a planetary civil war that we were told was pretty much over."

"There's more than one war?"

"When isn't there?"

Before Rodney can come up with a response to that, Sheppard continues. "There's a galaxy wide war that's been going on for over 10,000 years."

And so Rodney learns about the Atlantis expedition, the Wraith and the Ancients and the genetic manipulation and even a little bit about the conflicts in the Milky Way. It's even more overwhelming than the concept of the stargate and by the time Sheppard's bare bones recitation is done, Rodney's headache has nothing to do with his injuries.

"So," he says after a long moment spent staring at Sheppard in stunned silence. "So."

"Yeah."

"And yet you think I wouldn't want to, as you put it, check out?"

"You learned about all this...well, you started learning about it a few days after your last memory of Earth." Sheppard laughs, a short humorless laugh. "I was still a flyboy who thought the no fly zone in North Korea was the scariest mission possible."

"Yes, well...when I think scary I think of teaching Physics 101 or seeing my shrink."

"That was thirteen years ago."

"Have you been listening to me? It's not thirteen years ago for me! It's a couple days ago."

"So what, you think you'll go back to Earth and just settle back into your life?"

Sheppard's words pull Rodney up short, because yes, that was exactly what he'd been thinking. Like somehow his life--the funky apartment he put up with because it had an amazing bathtub, his position at MIT, his TA, his cat--would be waiting for him. He feels like a fool, like a child who's been clinging to a stupid dream. Rodney hates feeling like a fool.

"I'm one of the smartest people in the world," he says, chin up. "I'm pretty sure I can find someone who will hire me."

"In two galaxies," Sheppard says. When Rodney looks at him curiously, he adds, "smartest man in two galaxies."

"Well, yes. What's your point?"

"It's like a genie. You can't put it back in a bottle."

"I don't," Rodney says, glaring at Sheppard, "believe in genies."

"No, I suppose not." Sheppard closes his laptop. "But I was under the impression that you believe in discovery and science. Knowing what you know, can you just walk away without knowing more?"

Before Rodney can say anything, Sheppard stands up. "I have a meeting. You want me to tell someone to bring you some lunch?"

Rodney just turns away and stares at the wall. He knows what Sheppard is trying to do, but as far as Rodney can tell, there's nothing to keep him from studying the stargate and the scientific knowledge gained from its discovery from a position of safety. At least, he thinks, they haven't tried to appeal to his totally nonexistent courage.

Then again...he's here. According to Sheppard, they didn't know about the Wraith when they came to this galaxy--another _galaxy_? That's freaky in and of itself. But apparently they did know that it was probably a one way trip. How had Rodney been able to do that? And why had he stayed when he could have gone back to Earth? Age, as he learned from watching his father, does not impart wisdom. Maybe Rodney had just started making bad choices at some point. Or maybe he'd been coerced. It's not likely, but paranoia has served him well in the past; he's not willing to totally discount the idea.

The next couple of days pass in a bit of a blur. Keller operates on his knee again and tells him it's coming along well. Not that Rodney can tell, but while she's young, Keller seems to be competent and anyway, it's not like he has a choice of doctors. She's a little stingy with the pain pills, but she's generous with some kind of topical anesthetic for his feet. Eventually he starts to come out of it, starts to feel a little more present, although his head still aches all the fucking time.

He doesn't see Sheppard for several days. After having done his best to drive the guy away Rodney should be glad, but he finds that he misses Sheppard. Instead, he gets Zelenka, who's as wild-haired and enthusiastic as Rodney remembers. It's weird to see how much of the research Zelenka shares with him is Rodney's; apparently Sheppard was right about his level of knowledge about both the gate and these ZPM things.

Zelenka himself is a bit of a revelation and Rodney finds himself liking the guy. It could be that, although Zelenka isn't at all respectful, he seems to have a high regard for Rodney's intelligence. He also takes the insults in stride; he's clearly used to Rodney belittling his intelligence. He doesn't say anything about them being friends, but Rodney has the feeling they are.

"So, can you tell me something?" he asks Zelenka one afternoon. As usual, Rodney's head is pounding, but he hardly notices; the concepts they've been discussing are so fascinating. They've come up against the limit Keller's put on the amount of time Rodney can spend studying, but Zelenka's stayed to have dinner with Rodney.

"That depends. Is it personal?"

"Kind of, but about me."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Do you know why I joined this expedition?"

Zelenka gives Rodney a thoughtful look. "I think part of it was to get out from under Colonel Carter's shadow and prove yourself. Also, Elizabeth was hard to say no to."

By now, Rodney knows who both Carter and Elizabeth are, but Zelenka's reply surprises him. "Sheppard is trying to convince me that I came here for purely scientific reasons."

"That too. No one came here for just one reason."

"I just can't imagine it." But the thing is, Zelenka's explanation makes some sense. Carter's name is all over the research Rodney's been studying; her work on the stargate predates his and most of his early work--before they left Earth--seems to be based on her research and not his own. Since then, particularly when it comes to the ZPM research, it's all Rodney. Well and some of it's Zelenka's work.

"You are what? 30? As far as you remember?"

"Yeah."

"Would your choices at 30 make sense to your 20 year old self? Would you make the choices you made at 20 now?"

When he'd been 20, he'd been in college on the CIA's dime. He had been incredibly focused on his research and hadn't worried about just why the CIA wanted to sponsor a brilliant kid who'd built an A bomb in his garage. What little time he'd spent away from school had been spent indulging in all the gay sex he hadn't been able to have in suburban Winnipeg.

The choices he made regarding sex are choices he'd still make, but he really should have looked for a scholarship that didn't put him in debt to the Agency.

"Huh...."

Zelenka nods as if Rodney's actually said something. "Exactly."

 

* * *

Zelenka's not the only person he spends time with. Emmagan still visits; unlike Sheppard and Dex, Rodney can't bring himself to insult or irritate her enough to keep her away. He finds her remarkably easy to talk to and he wonders if she's filling in for the shrink he keeps expecting to see. Surely this base has one, but so far, Rodney hasn't met him or her.

"I can't figure the older me out," he says to her the day after his talk with Zelenka. "I've been a total coward all my life. It's like being a genius; it's one of the constants in my life."

"You are often afraid," she says. "At times, it hinders you and slows the team down."

"I'll bet."

"At other times, it seems to inspire you. I have seen you work very well under pressure."

"I'm terrible under pressure. Well, maybe not under academic pressure, but most academics only want to eat your soul. And anyway, what do I do? Why am I on a team that goes on missions to other planets?" He still has a hard time saying that with a straight face, but she doesn't even blink.

"Colonel Sheppard always calls you 'our science guy' and you always say that in the field you are more engineer than scientist. Regardless, we often encounter technology which is either useful or dangerous or both." She pauses to smile a little. "I do not wish to feed your ego, however, we would be dead, both in the field and here on Atlantis, many times over if not for you."

"I...uh...really?"

"Yes. Would you like to read some of your mission reports?"

The idea that he's saved people's lives is bizarre and Rodney can't help but be curious. "Are you kidding? Of course I would. Doctor Keller is limiting my research time; I'm bored out of my mind and that just makes the headache worse."

She picks up one of the ubiquitous tablets--almost everyone who visits seems to have one and Rodney wishes they'd come up with one for him to use--and fusses with it for a moment.

"These are from the first year of the Expedition," she says, handing him the tablet. "The reports from the rest of the team are linked to yours."

"Thanks."

Two hours later, Rodney's head is hurting so much he has to put the tablet down. "I don't know this guy. He's not me," he says into the silence of his room. Emmagan had left earlier and Rodney's almost glad; he'd rather be alone to absorb what he's just read.

Unfortunately, he's not going to get that opportunity. When he hears the door opening, he's hoping it's Keller so he can wheedle her into giving him something for his head. But no, he opens his eyes to see Sheppard coming into the room.

"What do you want?" Rodney snaps.

"Teyla told me you were reading some mission reports. I just wanted to see if you had any questions."

"That's not why you're here. You want to know if I've somehow been convinced that I belong here."

"You do."

"No I don't! Maybe that guy does, but get it through your fucking head! I'm. Not. Him! I can't do those things and I can't....oh fuck...."

The pain in his head is blinding, overwhelming and as much as he really doesn't want to, Rodney's going to throw up any second now. When the inevitable happens, there's a basin in front of him and a cool hand on the back of his neck. Barfing's always disgusting, but having someone staying with him through the whole things is weirdly nice.

"Thanks," he mutters when he's finally done.

"You've done it for me." Sheppard straightens up and heads for the door.

For once, Rodney doesn't protest. Instead, he's remembering sitting with Jeannie when she was sick; yes, he has done this for people he's cared about.

When Sheppard comes back, Keller's with him.

"I wonder if it was something you ate," she says, checking the monitors next to Rodney's bed.

"It's my head." He takes a cautious sip of water. "It used to happen when I had tension headaches. Can you please give me something for it?"

"Rodney, you need to stop asking me for drugs. I know you think you need them but I have my reasons for being careful. And honestly I really get tired of you whining about...."

"Doc," Sheppard says, his voice tight.

"I'm sorry, Rodney." Keller bites her lip and looks away. "Do you really think you need medication? Can you give me a number? Where zero is no pain and ten is incredible pain? Please be honest."

"Eleven," Rodney says promptly. "I feel like my head's going to explode and no, I'm not exaggerating."

"All right, I'll give you something." She glances at Sheppard. "And I'll make arrangements to transfer your case to Dr. Biro."

"What?" Rodney stares at her and then at Sheppard.

Sheppard remains silent until Keller's brought Rodney a couple of pills and a new glass of water. Once she leaves, Sheppard sighs and settles back in the visitor's chair.

"It's not like I haven't been called a whiner by doctors before," Rodney says. "I don't know why she thinks she needs to bring another doctor in."

"Biro's a good doctor and, more importantly, she's not your ex."

"My...wait what? I was _married_?!" Keller's cute but she looks young to Rodney and, considering that he's actually thirteen years older than he thinks he is, that's saying something. Not to mention that he's mostly....

Oh, Rodney thinks.

"Not married," Sheppard says. "But you were thinking about it before the break up."

"I'm going home," Rodney finally says, his voice flat. "I don't care how much any of you think you need me or how fucking heroic you think I am."

Sheppard looks surprised. "What does that have to do with Keller?"

"Because even the fucking CIA didn't force me into a closet." Even as Rodney speaks, he realizes Sheppard must not know that Rodney's gay. And, more importantly, Sheppard's military.

"You...really?" Sheppard pauses, his head tipped a little like he's considering something. "Huh...."

"That's it? Just 'huh'?"

"Well, the only other thing to say was 'I wish you'd told me.'"

Rodney thinks of Sheppard's continuing attempts to convince Rodney that he belongs on Atlantis and the way he acts like he really is Rodney's friend.

"Are we really that close?"

"I thought so." And this is weird because Sheppard sounds hurt. Rodney has no idea why; it's not like Rodney's insulted him or something.

"I...did I really want the job that much? Because if you're the military leader then you've seen my security file and that should be mentioned, because it makes me a 'security risk," he says, making air quotes. "Unless maybe something changed."

"What I saw only goes back to point you joined Atlantis project and there's nothing about a possible security risk in it. And...yeah, you must have wanted the job because, well, to put it mildly, you're kind of a pig. Around women, I mean."

"I am? Actually, that's not surprising. I did that a lot in high school too."

Keller's pills work fast, Rodney can feel the pain in his head fading a little. "I wonder," he says, his voice slurred a little. "If something happened after I joined the project. Maybe someone had a problem with me. "

"You weren't very popular, from what I understand."

"Well, yeah. I'm an asshole." Even as he says it, he wonders if the older Rodney still feels a degree of pride about that fact.

"You are. Not as much as you used to be." Sheppard pretends to look around as if to see if anyone is listening. "And honestly, sometimes I can't blame you."

Before Rodney can reply, Sheppard asks, "how's the head?"

"Better living through chemistry," Rodney says. And maybe he's got a little too much of that chemistry in his system because he looks up at Sheppard and says, "I'm sorry I'm not him."

Sheppard takes a deep breath and looks down at the floor. "I...I think you can be," he mumbles.

"No, I really can't. I'm too afraid. Maybe he built up to it slowly, but dump all that on me at once and it's too much." He stares up at the ceiling. "My memory's not coming back."

"You don't know that."

"Are you always this optimistic?"

"You've come back from worse." Sheppard sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than Rodney. "You completely lost your mind, you forgot everything and...we got you back. You almost died in a fucked up nightmare thing. You almost Ascended...that's what the Ancients did; it's essentially evolving to a higher plane. You were dead...and then...." Sheppard trails off.

"What?"

"What if it's not connected to your injuries at all...what if...."

"What?!" Rodney says, but Sheppard is already heading toward the door, leaving Rodney to stare at his back.

_I died? I lost my mind? What the hell made it worth staying?_

The weird thing is that, in spite of his fear, Rodney's starting to, just a little, be jealous of his older self. What he said to Sheppard stands--he can't be that guy--but that guy is someone....

_That guy might be someone worth being._

Even as Rodney tries to parse his own thought, the door opens and Keller and Sheppard burst into the room. "Never mind getting Dr. Biro," Sheppard is saying. "Just tell us...could this have been done by Ancient technology?"

"It's not outside the realm of possibility," Keller says. "But we know what happened to Rodney."

"Not exactly," Sheppard said. "We think we know. We know the rebels captured him and we know he was tortured. But the thing is...there wasn't anything near where we found him. No base, no signs that people had been there. We know he ran into the clearing where we found him, but even Ronon couldn't follow his tracks back into the forest. It was too dark and the..the watchmacallit on the ground was too dense and soft."

"Detritus," Rodney says absently. "Wait, I ran? With my feet as bad as they were?"

"That's one of the reasons your feet are that bad. They were filthy when they brought you in and some of the damage clearly came from walking or running over rough ground." She turns back to Sheppard. "So what are you saying?"

"The forest isn't safe. We were told that over and over. No one goes there, it's all but taboo, that kind of thing. The Tilaji intelligence commander told us that one of the things that puts the rebels beyond the pale, as it were, is that they're operating out of the forest. But, of course, he wouldn't say why the forest is bad." He shrugs. "Thing is, we've heard this before. I'm wondering if there isn't a well concealed Ancient or even Wraith outpost or lab in there somewhere."

"Wouldn't you have found it when you were looking for Rodney?"

"Maybe not. We were scanning for his sub-q transmitter and not anything else."

"My what?"

"We have subcutaneous transmitters," Sheppard says. As Rodney opens his mouth, Sheppard adds, "yeah, like on Star Trek.

"My point is," he continues more seriously. "We didn't do much after we found Rodney because getting him back here was the priority. Ronon and I kind of wanted to have a little...talk with the guys who grabbed him, but we couldn't get any help from the Tilaji government."

"Hmmmm...." Keller frowns. "In spite of what I said earlier about the headaches...and Rodney, I'm so sorry about that. It was way out of...."

"I know I'm a whiner," Rodney says with a shrug. He still can't believe he was ever involved with her, although she really is very attractive. "Don't worry about it."

She gives him a little smile. "As I was saying, the headaches are a concern. The effects of the concussion should have faded by now. I was worried that you were having a rebound reaction to the pain medication, which is why I didn't really want to give you more. But if it's not that and it's not one of your allergies or residual effects from your other injuries or tension from the situation...the headaches might be related to some kind of deliberate memory wipe.

"But still, that's a lot of ifs."

"You're not counting it out, though."

"No, Colonel."

"All right. I'll go talk to Woolsey. We need to go back to P29-816 and do a little more digging." Sheppard grins down at Rodney. "We'll find something, buddy."

"Is he always like that?" Rodney asks Keller after Sheppard's left.

"Like what? Decisive? Yes. Optimistic? Surprisingly so, given his job. Concerned about his people? Always." She settles down into the visitor's chair.

"He told me...about you and me, I mean. It's weird."

"Because you don't know me? Or because you're, as you put it, more gay than straight."

"I said that to you?"

"Yeah, after we'd been together for about six months. I was pretty pissed off."

"Wow, I bet. Um...I'm not him, but I'm sorry." He pauses. "Can I ask you something?"

"If it's personal, I might not answer."

"Do you know why I'm in the closet? Did I tell you?"

She looks at him, her head tilted a little. "It's strange; I almost feel like I'm telling someone else's secrets."

"You don't have to...."

"I don't know all of it. Honestly, I was too mad at you to want the details. There was a relationship with someone at the SGC that crashed and burned kind of, well not publicly, but it got messy within the SGC. And then there was your thing for Sam...you know who Colonel Carter is, right?"

"Yeah. I have no idea what she looks like."

"Attractive and blonde. And smart. Your type, you said."

"When it comes to women, yeah. But still...huh, Zelenka said I wanted to prove myself and part of it had to do with Carter." Rodney frowns.

"I think, with us, I mean, it wasn't just the closet." She sighs. "Look, I hate to use the phrase mid-life crisis, but you really like your niece and Telya's son and I gather Jeannie said something about you not getting any younger and you kind of felt like you should think about having kids."

"I still can't believe we're talking, but that does sound like something she'd say."

"It's not just that. I think...you said you kind of made a thing about being gay when you were younger. Maybe later, with me, you were thinking that you kind of went, overboard or something, and that maybe you weren't so sure about it."

"I don't think so."

"If you want my 'I'm a medical doctor not a psychologist' take on it, you might have forced the issue in the same way you make it clear that you're an asshole. You try pretty hard to be unlikeable and you do it even more now than you did before you lost your memory."

"Ouch. If that's not a shrink's take on it, I'd had to see what an actual shrink has to say. In fact, that is what my shrink says." Rodney sighs. "I'm not sure that's it, but you could be right. Anyway, like I said earlier--sorry if things are awkward."

"We're over it. I still get a little pissy and sometimes you really are a jerk, but we can still work together. That's why I'm so mad at myself about earlier."

"It's okay. And I really don't need a different doctor." Rodney blinks and then a yawns surprises him. "I think...."

"It'll be a while before your team can even leave, let alone find anything out." She stands up and checks his monitors again. "You should rest."

"I've been sleeping too much lately, I'm stoned but not sleepy." He reaches for Emmagan's tablet. "Maybe I'll read some more of the story of my life."

"I know you don't think so, but your life's been pretty amazing. And hard. Very hard."

"That's why I don't want to stay."

"I know. And honestly, I don't blame you."

"Are you trying reverse psychology here? Because that won't work with me."

"I know that," she says, giving him an exasperated look. "When I was first recruited, if someone had told me what it was like, what I'd go through, I'd have stayed with the SGC on Earth."

"And now?"

"It's still awful a lot of the time. I patch people up so they can go out and get hurt again. Weird shit like turning into a hive ship happens to me."

"You turned into a space ship? Seriously?"

"Long story," she says, "but yeah. I was a tentacle monster on its way to becoming a hive ship."

"That's really, incredibly fucked up." Rodney stares at her. "Why do you stay?"

"I should say that it's the chance to do amazing research or help, in my own way, to protect Earth. Really though? I'm very good at what I do and even when I'm suffering from my insecurities, I can't bear the idea of someone else doing my job."

"I'm beginning see why he liked you."

She laughs and leans back into the chair. "Sometimes ego's all you've got."

"Yeah."

The silence that falls between them is fairly comfortable and Rodney doesn't feel like he's being rude when he turns on Emmagan's tablet and starts reading more mission reports. He's just trying to wrap his head around watching someone who worked for him commit suicide when the door opens again.

It's Sheppard, of course, but Emmagan and Dex both follow him into Rodney's small room. "Just thought you should know that we've got a go. We'll be heading out right away."

Some small part of Rodney wishes he could go with them. It's weird because he barely knows these people and the idea of going back to a place where he was captured and tortured scares the crap out of him. On the other hand, it's another _planet_ in another _galaxy_ and he feels that little tug of curiosity that's gotten him into trouble in the past.

"Um...," he says. "Since Ms. Emmagan told me that I'm your engineer guy, I guess I should tell you to be careful around any technology you find."

Sheppard's face lights up with a big dorky grin and even Emmagan and Dex smile at him. "Yes, Rodney," Sheppard says, in a long suffering tone of voice. "We're taking Doctor Z with us, so we should be okay."

"Well then, good luck."

It's pretty clear that he sounded like older Rodney there for a moment and Rodney's surprised that he actually meant his words. He shakes his head and dismisses the thought. He'd had to say something, after all, and that seemed to make some kind of sense.

"We'll figure this out," Sheppard says as the team starts filing out of Rodney's room.

After the door closes, Rodney looks up at the ceiling. "What if I don't want my memory back?" he says softly.

"I won't let them force it on you."

He'd forgotten Keller was still in the room and now he turns and stares at her. "Really?"

"In spite of what I threatened earlier, you're mentally competent and as much as some people would argue that it isn't, I think memory restoration could be considered an elective procedure." She pauses. "Have you thought of contacting Jeannie?"

"Why does everyone call her Jeannie instead of Mrs. Miller?" Rodney can hear the contempt in his voice.

"Because we like her. And so do you, in your own way. If you don't have your memory restored, you'll lose all the ground you've gained in your relationship with her."

It's one of the most persuasive things anyone has said to him. Over the last couple of months he's done his best to convince himself that the whole thing was totally Jeannie's fault, but there have been a few times, usually when he'd pulled an all-nighter and was tired and over-emotional, when he's found himself missing her.

"Jesus. You play dirty."

"I said I thought it was elective, not that I thought you shouldn't do it." She pauses. "Even if you get your memory back, you don't have to stay here."

"But I'll remember things like watching someone shoot themselves in the head."

"You'll also remember why he did it."

"I don't...I'm really getting tired of this conversation," Rodney says peevishly. "Actually, I'm tired of this whole thing. This base and this room, all of it."

"Well I can't get you off the base, but if your head isn't hurting too much, I can take you outside to get some fresh air."

"Even with my knee?"

"We've got a wheel chair that'll keep your leg up."

"I think I'd like that."

Rodney's already been on his feet for short amounts of time, and while they're still a little sore, he can deal with it. Getting into the chair is still complicated and by the time he's settled in, his grateful for the pain medication. "This sucks," he mutters as an orderly pushes him out of the room. "My head is still hurting."

"I really don't want to give you anything more if you can bear it," Keller says.

"Yeah, I can. The meds you gave me earlier are still helping; I'm just bitching."

"Find a thing you do well and stick to it."

Rodney can't help the little snort of laughter. He still thinks he's gay, but he does like her.

They wheel him through several of those copper paneled hallways he saw earlier and it's kind of strange because he knows that this place was made by aliens. Well not exactly aliens because there's some weird bullshit about humans being descended from those Ancients. He doesn't like it; evolution's always been good enough for him.

A set of doors open automatically and then....

"Oh my God."

They're on a balcony high above an strange city skyline that stretches out until it meets a slate grey sea. The sky is overcast, but the light is still a little off. Too blue, Rodney realizes and suddenly it's all real to him. He's on an alien world in an alien city that sits on an alien ocean.

It's beautiful.

"Kind of takes your breath away, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Rodney says. "It really really does."

She doesn't reply and Rodney just sits there, taking it all in. Although he can smell the sea, there are no birds; the city must be pretty far from actual land. He can't see any waves from here, but of course, it would just be swells unless there are small waves lapping against the edge of the city. And the city itself....

"Is there a map?"

"Not exactly. We have the outlines and we've made detailed maps of the outside, but we don't really know what most of the buildings are for. We can't find anything like a directory...no Thomas Guide."

"That's got to be frustrating."

"It really bugs you."

"Him," Rodney snaps. "It really bugs him. Stop trying to intrigue me."

"Because you're not at all intrigued."

Rodney looks out over the cityscape, noting the low round buildings and the tall thin ones and remembers reading _Rendezvous with Rama_. He can't help thinking of the sense of sadness as the crew of the _Endeavour_ was forced to leave Rama, how they'd wished they had more of a chance to explore it, had a chance to know what all those weird buildings inside Rama were for.

"No," he says shortly, turning away from the view. "I'm not. And I'm cold."

It wasn't that cold, he thinks later when he's back in his tiny room. But the skyline of Atlantis had disturbed--and okay fine, intrigued--the fuck out of the engineer in him. _Shut up. Engineering's a side line. I'm a fucking astrophysicist._ The thought isn't all that comforting because he's in another fucking galaxy and of course that intrigues him even more. Thank God it had been overcast; he's not sure what he would have done if he could see the stars.

He doesn't really want to read more mission reports, but he's bored out of his mind and the only game Emmagan has on her tablet is spider solitaire. It's weird to imagine someone that calm and serene sitting in a boring meeting playing one of the most boring games in the world. Rodney plays a few games but he can't resist the lure of the reports.

Each one confuses him more and more. Why was he going on trading missions or exploratory missions? His irritation and the thought that his time was being wasted is expressed more than once, but he kept going out.

Reading about the trading missions is bad enough, but the dangerous missions make his skin crawl. Older Rodney complains about those missions too--at least he's consistent--and he tends to emphasize his his contributions a lot, but still, it's hard to read. When Rodney follows the links and reads the reports from the other members of the team, he can see the slow beginnings of respect for him as a person as opposed to his engineering skills. There's a degree of fond exasperation that creeps into their reports and he finds the older Rodney echoing those same feelings about his teammates.

He wonders what happened to Aidan Ford and why Dex is on the team now. There are other names, Marines, scientists and support staff that suddenly stop being mentioned or, even worse, whose deaths are recorded in the reports he's reading. Tales of military heroics have always bored Rodney. While the American military industrial complex has been paying his bills since he was seventeen, Rodney's never bothered to think about the troops on the ground.

Now he can sit here and see the slow arc as older Rodney progresses from indifference to grudging acceptance to actual admiration. A lot of that admiration seems to be centered on Sheppard. In the reports it makes sense; Sheppard seems to make a habit of indulging in ridiculous heroics. But Rodney thinks of the way Sheppard acts around him now and the way he seems to expect Rodney to react, even the way he acts when he's hurt by something Rodney's said.

Dex had just walked out when Rodney pissed him off, but Sheppard seems to take it harder. Rodney believes that they're friends and he's beginning to understand why, but he's not sure why Sheppard feels the way he does. He'd almost think Sheppard has a thing for older Rodney but Rodney's looked in the mirror enough to know that he's not nearly as good looking as he used to be. It's depressing, particularly since he looks so much like the great-uncle who's responsible for his horrible first name.

But the more Rodney thinks about it, the more he thinks that he's right. Does older Rodney know? Or is older Rodney so busy trying to be straight that he doesn't notice certain signs any more. Trying to be straight....

 _I...he was trying to be straight before he came here, but he actually hooked up with a woman when he'd been here for a while._ Did older Rodney have some kind of unrequited thing for Sheppard? Or is Rodney reading way too much into an older self he doesn't entirely understand.

It's a pity he's never kept a journal or a diary....

He can't help laughing. What does he think he'd find in a diary, hearts and flowers? Maybe Colonel and Dr. John P. Sheppard written inside a heart? As if. Anyway, if Rodney were given to that kind of thing it'd be Dr. and Colonel M. Rodney McKay. _I'm not the kind of girl who gives up her name._

He's willing to bet that older Rodney doesn't make jokes like that, even to himself. The more he thinks about it, even without knowing what happened when he was at the SGC, the more he wonders about older Rodney. Working with the military as much as he apparently does and being around people with kids...maybe he did want something "normal" or maybe he thought he should want something normal. The thing is, Keller's not entirely wrong. He had been almost militant about being gay not because he was at all political but because it bothered the people he worked for. Because it was one more way of being a problem.

It's not that he's not queer; he really does like sex with men, likes sucking cock and getting fucked and doing his share of the fucking. But he hadn't exactly hated it the few times he'd had sex with a woman. And maybe, a fucked up gay relationship and falling for a female genius had been enough to bump him down a little on the Kinsey scale. And maybe he hadn't wanted to piss off the people he worked for.

He tries to figure out if it was worth it, but he's getting tired again, so does his best to think about something else. In the end, he plays solitaire until he can't keep his eyes open.

According to the tablet it's just after midnight when he wakes up. His head hurts, he's hungry and he really needs to take a leak, which is not the easiest thing to do with this stupid, bulky brace on his leg. Anything's better than peeing into one of those stupid bottle things, he thinks as he taps the call button.

A short time late, he's settled back in bed with a bowl of soup and a sandwich. The soup is really good, spiced with spices Rodney's pretty sure didn't come from Earth. On Star Trek, it made sense that people accepted the idea of aliens and alien cities, even alien food. But here...most of the expedition is from 20th century--okay, 21st century Earth. How do they deal with it? Do you get blasé about things like alien spices and that view out your window? He's not sure he could, even if he pretended to be cynical.

He doesn't want to think about it but he doesn't want to read mission reports either. Between his research and his classes, he--younger him--hardly ever has any down time and he wonders if it's that way for older Rodney. What do people do for fun around here?

He looks at Emmagan's tablet again; there's a video folder on it and he figures that she wouldn't have given it to him if she was worried about the contents. The first thing he finds is something called _Finding Nemo_ and when he taps on it, he realizes he's getting a whole movie. It's a kid's film but the animation technology is fascinating and then he gets caught up in what turns out to be a very funny movie. Kid's movies have apparently gotten a lot better, he thinks as he settles in to watch it. 

By the time he's finished watching _Monster's Inc_ his head is throbbing. Instead of doing his best to ignore it, he puts the tablet aside and lies back, concentrating on his head. He's had tension headaches and sinus headaches and the occasional hangover headaches and none of them we like this. His mother had migraines but this doesn't seem to what she was describing.

He tries to think, tries to _remember_ but there's nothing. Just adjusting his tie in the mirror and then waking up in that fucking forest. Sheppard said he ran through the forest. Rodney can't imagine running with his feet as bad as they were, but maybe he was really frightened. Like suddenly having no memory frightened? When you think about it, it's weird that his memory just cuts off like that. No flashes of some other time, no random bits of knowledge, no nothing. He just checked his tie and then woke up battered and bruised in the middle of an alien forest. How did that happen; what kind of fucked up technology could do that?

Oh this is stupid. It doesn't matter. Memory or not, he's not staying here.

Really, he's not.

* * *

Sheppard and his team don't return until late afternoon the next day. Along with Keller and Zelenka, they crowd into his room and it's clear they didn't stop to change or clean up; there are small leaves in Sheppard's hair and dirt smudges on Dex's and Zelenka's faces. But it's the look on Sheppard's face that catches most of Rodney's attention.

"You found something," he says just as Sheppard's opening his mouth.

"Yeah." Sheppard looks so relieved that Rodney feels bad about his decision to leave Atlantis regardless of whether chooses to regain his memory or not.

"We were right, it's Ancient technology."

"So you think the effect can be reversed?" Keller asks.

"Short story, probably.

"Anyway, it's like this," Sheppard continues. "The Tilaji government had someone inside the Free Tilaj movement. He managed to get you away from them, but, since he wasn't used to being in the forest, he got lost." He pauses and Rodney gets the feeling he's expecting a reaction. Rodney has nothing to say, so he just rolls his hand in a "go on" motion.

"The thing is, the guy--Sanhi--is a teenager so he was already freaked out when you two stumbled across the reason for the taboo--an Ancient lab. Basically, what happened to you was part of the defense system."

"Wait, I lost my memory because I tripped the equivalent of someone's home security system? What the hell? And how did the kid know what happened if he lost his memory too?"

"Ancient security systems are a little more sophisticated than something you get from ADT. It detected your gene, but realized it was artificial and you got zapped. Apparently there was a lot of eerie blue light involved and Sanhi was so freaked out by it that he ran. He eventually made it back into town, but he didn't want to tell anyone what happened until we showed up and started waving money around."

"So I woke up with no memory...."

"In the middle of a freaky looking corridor."

"And ran. I wonder why I don't remember that."

"It could have taken a while for the memory wipe to take effect," Keller says. "And now we know why it picked the point in time that it did."

"Right," Rodney says. "It went back to the first time I heard about the stargate and the Ancients. That level of technology is...pretty freaky, really."

"All Ancient technology is freaky," Dex, says, rolling his eyes.

"How did you learn all this?" Rodney asks.

"Colonel Sheppard was able to disarm the security systems," Zelenka replies. "Which enabled me to read the logs. If he authorizes it, we can use the system to restore your memories."

"Oh," Rodney says. "Um...thank you," he adds.

"You don't sound all that thrilled."

"Do you always point out the obvious, Colonel?"

"McKay," Dex says, "this security system took something from you. Don't you want it back?"

"Don't." Rodney says, his voice sharp. Not wanting to meet anyone's eyes, he stares down at the blanket covering his lap."Don't any of you start with me."

Oddly enough, it's Sheppard who says, "let's just give him some time."

As everyone files out, Rodney holds out the table to Emmagan. "Thanks for loaning me this but I don't need it anymore."

Keller and Zelenka remain in the room after everyone's left. "There are two things you need to know," Keller says.

"I said...."

"Two facts."

"Fine, tell me."

"I'm almost certain your headaches are a result of the memory wipe. If you choose not to reverse the process, there's a strong possibility that you'll continue to have them."

Fuck. Rodney feels stupid for not working that through.

"What else?" Rodney asks, turning to look at Zelenka.

"Depending on how the security system works, it could simply restore fill in the gaps in your memory. You would remember everything you lost and also retain the memories you've gained since then."

"There's an 'or' in there, isn't there. I could forget all of this, right?" Rodney waves to indicate his whole situation.

"Yes."

"There's nothing you can do about the headaches?"

Keller shakes her head. "Probably not. If we continue to medicate for them, two things happen. You'll become addicted to the pain medication and your tolerance for it will increase. Eventually you'll reach a point where you require lethal doses."

"You're just full of good news."

"I'm sorry," Keller says.

"Yeah. Okay, I need some time."

"Take as much as you like."

"Rodney, will you just decide to reverse the process?" Zelenka snaps as he heads for the door. "This indecision is tiresome. I can't do your job as well as you can and you're never going to get that Nobel without me."

Rodney's still staring at the door as it closes. The idea that he'd get a Nobel for his research here had never crossed his mind. He doesn't like the implication that he needs anyone's help for it, though.

_You won't be able to do research either by yourself or with someone if you suffer from chronic head pain or an oxycontin addiction._

Rodney can live with a lot, but dealing with a continual, debilitating headache for the rest of his life.... No. He can't do that.

In a way, it feels like a cop out; the decision's been taken out of his hands. He knows damn well that he's been trying to fool himself, trying to pretend that his mind is made up. And now? Now he's been given an out.

He's still trying to digest that thought when his door opens again. "Goddamnit, you people need to stop barging in on me!"

"A couple years ago," Sheppard says, his voice flat. "You and Jeannie were kidnapped on Earth. It was because of some medical research that was a byproduct of some of your research. The guy who kidnapped you injected Jeannie with some nanites."

Rodney opens his mouth to say something, but Sheppard raises a hand. "I know you don't know what nanites are but it doesn't matter. All you need to know is that she was going to die, so shut up and let me finish.

"There's a Wraith who sorts of helps us for various reasons. We were holding him here on Atlantis and you managed to convince him to help you solve the nanite problem before Jeannie died. Only thing was, the Wraith was hungry and...well what do you feed a hungry Wraith?

"It got to the point where he couldn't work anymore and you...you said you'd do it, you'd let him feed off you, to save Jeannie's life."

As much as Rodney wants to protest he'd never give up his life for anyone, he knows that, even as angry as he is at her now, he'd do it for Jeannie.

"I...I tried to talk you out of it." Sheppard's staring at the floor and his voice is so low Rodney can barely hear him. "Can you believe that? I tried to talk you out of saving your sister's life because...because I couldn't let you do it. I just...I couldn't."

Rodney can be an asshole here. He can be sarcastic and point out that he's still here and Jeannie's still alive so it wasn't that big a deal and why should he care? It'd be easy enough to piss Sheppard off so much that he leaves Rodney alone.

"What happened?" he asks softly.

"The guy who kidnapped you knew he wouldn't face jail time, that we'd just bring Homeworld Security into it and stick him in a cell somewhere for the rest of his life. His daughter had died due to the defective nanites and so....

"So I took a picture of Madison, your adorable, blonde haired, blue-eyed niece, and used it to guilt trip him into killing himself."

The silence that follows is heavy; Rodney wants to say something to break it, but he can't find the words.

"I can't," Sheppard says and then there's another long silence. "I need...."

And then, without saying anything more, he walks out.

Sheppard, Rodney realizes as he looks at the door, doesn't know about the headaches. That had been his last ditch effort to convince Rodney and Rodney has no idea what to make of it.

He stares at the alien ceiling for a long time and then leans over and presses the call button.

* * *

"What the hell?" Rodney blinks and looks around. Same Ancient outpost he and that kid---what was his name--stumbled into, but there's sunlight streaming in through the door and he can see....

"Thank God, it's about damn time."

"Good to see you too," John says. He looks incredibly relieved, staring at Rodney as if he'd never expected to see him again. Next to him both Teyla and Ronon are smiling down at Rodney. That's normal, but Radek and Jennifer are there too. What is this, the end of The Wizard of Oz?

"How do you feel?" Jennifer asks.

"I was tortured, how do you think I feel?" Even as he's snapping at her, because really, what a ridiculous question, he realizes that he feels surprisingly good. He flexes his feet and they're tight, but there's no real pain. His nose isn't throbbing and his knee...his knee is in a heavy duty brace. "What the hell?"

"You remember what happened with the Free Tilaj?"

"I think I'll remember that for a while," he says. "Did they take me for a reason or just because I left that meeting with the minister of trade to take a leak?"

"The latter, near as we can tell," John says. "But do you remember anything else?"

"That kid...Sanhi? He got me out of there...which was pretty fucking awful given my feet." Rodney waves his hand, dismissing the topic. "Will you guys tell me what's going on? I was a lot worse off last night than I am this morning."

"So you don't remember anything after you arrived here with Sanhi?"

"No...oh wait. I think we triggered a security system. Did it knock me out?"

"Not exactly." John says. He glances at Keller. "We should probably get him back to Atlantis."

"Will you people tell me what's going on?"

"Security system wiped your memory," Ronon says. "You've lost about a three weeks."

"What? It wiped three weeks from my memory? Why?"

Jennifer shakes her head. "Not three weeks. thirteen years. When we reversed the process, you got the thirteen years back but not intervening three weeks."

"thirteen years? That was my first year with the program."

"That's why it picked that amount of time," Jennifer explains. "It wiped everything after you heard about the project. As far as you knew, you were just about to take a meeting with General Hammond."

"It was my gene wasn't it? Sometimes I really hate the Ancients."

"You and me, buddy." Sheppard jerks his head toward the open door. "Wanna go home? We've got a jumper in a nearby clearing."

"Sounds good," Rodney says, accepting the hand John holds down. He lets John help him up and there's a moment where they're pressed up against each other, before Rodney tries to step back.

"Do I have crutches?"

"Yeah." John clears his throat and keeps his hand on Rodney's arm, helping him balance.

* * *

Jennifer insists on taking Rodney to the Infirmary. "As long as you're careful," she says, "I'll release you. But first...."

"I know, I know. You need to clear me."

"And I don't need an audience." She glares at the rest of the team.

"I am glad you are yourself again, Rodney," Teyla says with a smile.

"Me too," Ronon says.

John just looks at him and gives him that relieved look again. It reminds Rodney of the way John acted after Rodney had lost his mind. Dismissing the thought, Rodney turns back to Jennifer, not wanting to read too much into John's weird facial expressions. It's just easier that way.

"I guess I got lucky," Rodney says to Jennifer once the team's left. "I don't remember the worst of the recovery."

"I don't think...he called you the older Rodney so I'll call him the younger Rodney. He didn't think he was lucky."

"Oh. Wow, yeah I...he...whatever. He must have been pretty freaked out."

"You could say that." Before he can ask any questions, Jennifer get that all business look and Rodney knows she'd gone into full on doctor mode.

"How's your head?"

"My head? Fine." Rodney rubs his nose. "Did they break my nose?"

"Yes, but we were able to set it straight. When I asked about your head, I wanted to know if you had a headache."

"No, I'm good. Aside from my knee, I'm not too badly off."

She checks some other things, takes all his vitals and does the usual arcane doctor things she does after difficult missions.

"I'll release you, but you'll have to come back for PT, of course, and I want you to tell me if have even the slightest headache."

"Oh really? You hate it when I whine."

"Rodney, you had a headache that lasted for a whole three weeks. I'm pretty sure it was a result of the memory wipe, but I still need to know if it comes back."

"Three weeks? Glad I missed that part too."

"Yes, well...." She gives him a look.

"It occurs to me," he says, looking down at his hands. "I was kind of a jerk thirteen years ago. Well, more of a jerk than I am now."

"Yeah, you were."

"Shit. I'm sorry."

"You don't owe me much of an apology, but I have a couple of messages for you."

"What do you mean?"

"Before we took you back to that outpost, Doctor Zelenka warned you that you might lose those three weeks. So you asked me to tell you a couple of things, if that makes sense."

"Yeah, it does, oddly enough. What were you supposed to tell me."

"One, apologize to Ronon. I have no idea why but...."

"I probably said something massively insensitive."

"I wouldn't be surprised; he only came to see you the one time."

"Okay, got it. What else?"

"The younger you had no idea why you stayed here. He read some of your early mission reports and he kept asking us why you didn't leave as soon as we got into contact with Earth."

"Really?"

"I never asked, did you think about it after the siege?"

"Oh hell yeah. But then we were back on Earth and it was...well, you remember what it was like when Atlantis was outside the Bay. I couldn't do the things on Earth that I do here."

"And Earth didn't feel like home."

"Right. Did you tell him that?"

"No. He wasn't even sure he wanted your memories back."

"Really?"

"Yeah. The possibility that he'd have a debilitating headache for the rest of his life made the decision a lot easier. Anyway, he said that you should think about going back to Earth. That staying here would get you killed."

"Well he was right about that."

"He said he could only think of one reason you should stay and he...."

"What?"

"He said you need to stop trying to be straight and stop ignoring what's right in front of you."

Rodney just stares at her.

"He...he said that? To _you_? Did he know about us?"

"Yes, but it wasn't as awkward as you would think. I mean, I've gotten over you...."

"Lying to you about being gay? To stop using you, and I quote, 'in a pathetic attempt' to be something I'm not?" His face goes hot as he remember that evening.

"Yeah, that."

"Okay then." Rodney thinks about the look on John's face, back there when Rodney woke up at the Ancient outpost. "You know who he was talking about, don't you?"

"Yes. I've known since we had that fight. Maybe before. I think it's why I was so mad at you."

Rodney feels like a complete heel. "God...I'm sorry. I...he shouldn't have dumped that on you. Why couldn't he just leave me a note or something?"

"It's okay. Like I said, I'm over it."

"Still...."

"Rodney?"

"Yeah."

Jennifer shoves his crutches at him. "Stop stalling."

 

* * *

"Oh hey," John says when his door slides open. "Are you supposed to be out and about?"

"No, I ran away," Rodney says, looking at his crutches. "Can I come in?"

"Sure."

Once Rodney's settled on John's couch, he's half tempted to ask if John's gotten his hands on any good movies. The idea that his younger self was so sure about John is absurd. _Did he even look in a mirror? I was still relatively attractive back then. I was usually right about guys wanting me._

But that's stupid. If John just wanted him like that, Rodney would have known. It's more than that and it's been more than that; the only thing keeping Rodney from saying anything was fear. Fear of fucking it up and putting his place here on Atlantis in jeopardy. Fear that maybe he wasn't seeing what he thought he was seeing. Fear that all John felt was what a friend feels for another friend.

"You still don't remember anything?" John says after a long moment.

"No. Although I'm told I need to apologize to Ronon."

"He's good. We realized you weren't yourself."

"I did this thing when I was young where I tired to be as unpleasant as I could be. It was...well, you don't really need to know everything my shrink told me. It was a way to maintain some control."

"Wait, you're a control freak?"

"Yeah, imagine that."

"He said he was gay." The words come out in a rush, like John's afraid he'll lose his nerve if he slows down too much.

"Did he?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I am. I mean I'm a little bi, but...I've pretty much decided that I can't settle down a woman, even one like Jennifer."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"It's only fair." Rodney holds his breath, willing himself not to hyperventilate.

"What?"

"You never told me."

"I...no, I never did."

They look at one another and then Rodney shakes his head. "God, we're sad."

"You think I'm sad now? You should have seen me trying to convince you to get your memories restored. I couldn't say what I wanted to."

"Why not?"

"Because it wasn't you. Because the younger you didn't get it. He just wanted to go back to Earth and throw away the last six years." John shrugs a little. "And the seven years before that, but I don't really care about those years."

"He was trying really hard to be his own person," Rodney says. "He didn't want to need anyone, didn't want to owe anyone anything."

"And what about you?" John doesn't give Rodney time to answer. His face is dull red and he can't look at Rodney. "I tried to tell him that I can't do this without you. That I need you." 

"He told me...well he told Jennifer to tell me to stop ignoring what was right in front of me. That there was only one reason he thought I should stay."

When Rodney falls silent, John finally looks up at him.

"You," Rodney says. "I..it's you, John. It's been you for a long time."

"Every time we almost lose you...I almost lose you, I'm afraid you'll decide it's all too much and go back to Earth."

Rodney wants to say something like "Earth's not home because you're not there," but words like that, along with hearts, flowers and linked initials have never been his style.

"You can't get rid of me that easily."

"I thought I had this time."

"But you didn't." Rodney leans toward John and rests a hand on the back of his neck. "Can we stop talking now?"

"Yeah."

When John closes the last little distance between them and kisses Rodney, it's not the kind of kiss Rodney's imagined all these years. It's not smooth at all; they're clumsy and messy and even a little desperate. "I need you too, you know," Rodney mumbles against John's mouth before kissing him again. It's a little easier this time, but Rodney's still hungry for it; he pulls John closer until John's half on top of him.

"Yeah," John whispers, his voice rough. "God, Rodney...."

"Ow, fuck!"

"What?" John pulls back. "What did I...oh shit, your knee."

Rodney leans back until he's up against the arm of the sofa and proceeds to bang the back of his head against it. "Goddamnit! I finally get you where I want you...."

"It's okay." John slides off the sofa to kneel on the floor. "Here, twist a little, yeah that's right,' he says, lifting Rodney's leg, brace and all onto the sofa. Once he gets Rodney settled so he's lying flat on the sofa, John sits down, leaning against the sofa near Rodney's head.

"It's okay. As long as you're here, as long as you're...you."

"I'm here and I'm me," Rodney says. "And I'm in the right time and in the right place."

_\--end--_

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I want to sing the praises of the wonderful artist whose work inspired this fic. Green's piece was my first choice and as soon as I saw the full picture, I had a pretty good idea what I wanted to write for it. I also need to thank her and the mods for being so understanding when life got really complicated and my disabilities flared up and I couldn't write. I was able to get a late deadline and finish the fic and really appreciate everyone's patience. Speaking of patience, Darkrose has put up with the usual fest fic angst and the repeated requests to "please looks this over and tell me if it's working" with her usual forbearance. I also whined to some friends in different places; thank you all for listening.
> 
> There is, in fact, a science fiction novel published in 1982 called [Stargate](http://www.amazon.com/dp/0771597878/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=8-11&qid=1372552118) which, weirdly enough, was written by an author most known for writing historical novels about Egypt. Knowing that, I couldn't help dropping a reference to it.


End file.
